Living Your Values - Finding Purpose

LIVING A PURPOSEFUL LIFE (Why Values Matter)


What is your purpose in life?  Do you know?  Are you living your purpose?  Has it changed?  Have you changed?  As a counselor, after many years and meeting with people of all ages, I believe that everyone has values or characteristics and qualities that guide their thinking and behavior.  They may not have ever considered what those values are or whether they are helpful, but nonetheless, they are guided by them.


Let’s start with some definitions.


Values, as defined by the dictionary, are:

• The regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness; and
• A person’s principles or standards of behavior, one’s judgment of what is important in life.

Morals are defined as:

• A lesson, especially one concerning what is right or prudent, that can be derived from a story, a piece of information, or an experience and
• A person’s standards of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.

Ethics are defined as:

• Moral principles that govern a person’s behavior or the conducting of an activity; and
• The branch of knowledge that deals with moral principles.

The first three are frequently confused.  I’ve not included laws and rules, which are often the attempt to codify and enforce a set of values.  They may be helpful in keeping societal order, but as they consider the whole, they are not always fair or just, and over time, particularly as we become more global, values can vary or conflict.


What I’d like to present here is an introduction as to some ideas about how we might find more purpose in our lives by examining what we truly value, what is important to us in the following way: how we as individuals develop our value systems; why it’s helpful to know what we value, and lastly, how we are living up to or in harmony with our values.  If not, we might question if the values we live by are truly our own or inherited, or learned from our family system or environment, and then to make a conscious decision to accept, question and possibly reject or change our values.


This is not necessarily an easy process as our values become part of who we are.  Very simply, I believe people are happier and more content when they are living in harmony with their “chosen” values.  I put “chosen” in parentheses, because if we are unhappy with ourselves and our lives, we may be either unsuccessfully attempting to live with values we haven’t chosen freely, or we are living in conflict with our chosen values.  Many of us, perhaps most, go about our lives without consciously considering what guides us.  If you are able to meet your basic survival needs, have satisfying work or living arrangements, are healthy and, for the most part, feel content and satisfied, it’s likely you are living in harmony with what is important to you (your values).  However, if you are frustrated, angry, depressed and struggle with guilt, there’s a good chance you may be living in opposition to your values.


In my opinion, it’s helpful to be able to identify and clarify what we value.  There are universal values that most of us believe are important – justice, equality, compassion, loyalty, honesty – come to mind.  Other values that are frequently identified are – family, friendship, success, respect, challenge, excitement, cohesion, safety/security, structure, independence, power, truth, integrity, freedom, beauty, wisdom, God, religion/spirituality, creativity, intelligence, health, and money (more a symbol of success, achievement, etc.).  There are more, but these often surface.  Which of these seem relevant to you? Consider your current situation or career. If your job duties conflict with your values, you will struggle mentally and emotionally.  What if your partner’s values are different from yours?  Do opposites really attract?  Maybe and maybe not.


Once we start down this road to identify our chosen values, it’s important to consider if you have truly chosen your values or if they were passed on to you from your family or environment.  Are you a square peg trying to fit into a round hole?  That’s a tough fit and generally unpleasant.  Many people attempt to live with (or against) values that were passed down to them but don’t always agree with or truly accept them.  These folks tend to live conflicted and frustrated lives.  Additionally, our values can change over time.  We leave home, go away to college, get a job, meet people with different views and lifestyles, and develop new interests.  Our values can shift and evolve as we grow and change.  Yet if we don’t recognize and acknowledge this, we may constantly struggle with feelings of discontent and disharmony in our lives.  Once we become aware, we can explore, consider and make a conscious choice to accept or reject old values, change, shift or develop new values and move toward a path that is aligned with what is important and valuable to us.  We can move toward a happier, more fulfilled life, free from inner turmoil and conflict (or at least decrease it).


I recently read an article on different personality concepts.  It described two basic beliefs we may hold about our capabilities.  We are either “fixed” or “growth” oriented.  People who have a fixed personality believe that we are born with only a set amount of intelligence, skill set, ability, etc., to function in the world.  People with this belief tend to “stay in their own lane” and aren’t likely to be risk takers but move toward safety.  They would value safety, structure, conformity and be averse to risk and change.  Growth-oriented people are more likely to be willing to try new things and take risks.  They recognize that they may have to work harder to develop new skills and abilities, but they are willing to do the work, because they believe it will pay off.  These people tend to value challenge and see it as an opportunity.  They are willing to risk failure to grow.


Both fixed and growth personality types can struggle with conflicted values.  A “fixed” type might have been part of a “growth-oriented” family or environment and struggle to conform.  A “growth” type would likewise find him/herself unhappy and frustrated living in a “fixed” environment.  It is important for us to recognize that there are certain things that are "fixed" and trying to move beyond what is physically possible isn’t going to work.  If people are content and happy in their lives, there isn’t a problem.  I think it’s helpful to consider developing more openness towards the potential for growth and change since we will be faced with changes at some time in our lives.  Growth-oriented folks are more likely to be unhappy where their ability to grow and learn is stifled.  They can feel guilty, frustrated and depressed trying to conform to values that are not their own. If they can recognize and accept what they truly value; i.e., freedom, change, challenge and risk taking, they will be able to move more easily toward doing those things that bring them happiness and contentment.


So how do we begin the journey toward living our values?  Here are a few suggestions.

• Take a sheet of paper and divide it into 3 columns.  At the top of the page, write “MY VALUES”.
• Write the words VERY IMPORTANT at the top of one column, IMPORTANT at the top of the second column and NOT IMPORTANT at the top of the third column.
• Consider those things that are very important to you and jot them down under that column. Do the same with things that are important but less so than the first column.  Repeat with things that are not important to you.  Try to come up with as many items under each column as you can – at least 10 under each heading if possible. You can brainstorm and make changes or adjustments. Just start writing.
• Now circle the top 3 values in each of the 3 columns.
• Take a 3 x 5 card and write down the top 3 you have chosen from your VERY IMPORTANT column
• Think about how you are living your life, your job, your family and friends, and your free time activities and hobbies (I hope you have some); and consider if these are moving you toward or away from your chosen values.  For example, if you value health but don’t eat a healthy diet, don’t exercise, don’t get enough sleep, don’t take care of the stress in your life, then you probably are feeling guilty about it.  If the guilt can motivate you to begin to change your lifestyle to move toward your chosen value, health, then it’s doing its job (to motivate you to change).
• Make a plan to identify steps you can take to move toward your goals.  Set a timeline.  Don’t make them too big or too little.  They should be reasonable and doable.
• Start now.  Don’t wait.  Tell someone and get support.  Once you put it out there, you are more likely to act.  This is important!!!!
• Don’t judge yourself if you aren’t successful right away.  Stop and evaluate your plan.  Maybe you set initial goals too high and set yourself up for failure.  Take it down a notch.  If it was too easy, then step it up.  This is a form of deliberate practice and a lesson we can learn from the “growth” mindset folks.  Don’t see it as a failure but as an opportunity to learn and grow.
• Celebrate your successes!  Share them with your support system.
• Notice how you are feeling about the changes you’ve made.  Your life will not be perfect, but when we recognize, acknowledge and live in accord with our stated values, we tend experience less stress (from struggling toward values which we haven’t chosen and don’t truly value), are happier and more confident in our lives.

While recognizing and living in harmony with our values won’t solve all our problems, in my experience, finding a purpose and meaning in our lives gives us more control and direction.  For most people, if we feel we have a purpose and are able to act in ways that fulfill our purpose, we are happier.  At Elephant Rock Counseling, we help people on the path toward living a meaningful, purpose-driven life.  We hope this information is useful to you in that endeavor.  Let us know if you would like our help.


San Mueller, M.Ed., LPC, DBT
Elephant Rock Counseling 
​Kirkwood, MO

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San is a Licensed Professional Counselor with Elephant Rock Counseling, LLC.  San specializes in therapies that utilize mindfulness based principles such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  She enjoys teaching yoga, spending time with her family, and working with her clients.  ​