Finding Your Tribe

​Human beings are tribal by nature. We can’t avoid it. We have a place in the world and many of us spend our lives trying to find that place. Where do we fit? Who are our people? I’ve written in the past about finding our purpose, but I think finding our people is equally important and sometimes even more challenging.  Of course, we all belong to the human race. We are human beings first and foremost. When I talk about “finding our people,” I don’t mean this as a way of separation from our entire species, race or by  socio-economic status at all. What I mean is finding people who understand us, who “get us.” We might consider tribe as friends, family, clan, network, besties or something else. What we want  are people who can understand how we think, not necessarily that they think (or believe) exactly as we do, but they can find truth or value in our way of thinking. Maybe they just accept that we have value and something to add to the conversation even if they disagree with us.  They accept (or perhaps love) us for who we are.


I wrote this blog several weeks ago. Since then, I have had second thoughts about using the words tribe and tribal due to a concern that it might reinforce the idea of separation and add to the divisiveness that has become so rampant in our world today.  Like most Americans, I am deeply saddened by the recent killings of innocent people, apparently based on intolerance and hate.  I think we need to be judicious about judging our group of friends as better or superior to others.  Ultimately, I would love to see circles of friendship spreading out across the world, finding common ground and embracing differences. A core concept of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is finding the kernel of truth in seeming opposing viewpoints.


As a therapist, I’ve worked with many lonely people who feel they have no one in their lives who understands them.  Often, these same people struggle with the pain and shame of trauma or hurt that keeps them shut off, unable to let anyone into their lives. They believe that if people knew them, could see into their hearts and souls, that they would be utterly and completely rejected.  From ancient times, being ostracized from the tribe meant almost certain death. So, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We either shut ourselves off completely, hiding behind a mask, or we project our worst selves and are rejected. It often seems a tough sell to find people who accept and love us if we see ourselves as essentially unlovable and without value or worth.  Another key concept in DBT is that we are connected to the universe, that we have validity. I understand that to mean we have worth, are part of and related to a greater whole and have a right to exist.


One of the most important, perhaps the most important thing I do (or try to do) as a therapist, is to help people find the essential goodness within themselves.  No matter what we’ve done or think we have done, we all have an essential goodness.  That, to my way of thinking, is the way back to finding our tribe.  The next step is to figure out what is important to us (referring back to my blog on purpose, finding your values).  This can help clarify what gives meaning to your life.  Once we figure out what we value and begin to live in accord with our chosen values, we can actively watch for and seek out others who share those values.


I don’t think it’s necessary to have lots of friends to feel connected.  Recent research says we only need one good friend but 3 to 5 is better. After all, it’s a good idea not to feel we are burdening one person with all of our problems too frequently.  Share the wealth! According to British anthropologist, Dr. Robin Dunbar, humans can only maintain social relationships with up to an average of 148 people – say 150 for simplicity. This is due to the size of our brain as  maintaining and processing information requires quite a bit of cognitive resources. Dunbar broke this down into layers with 150 as the top layer. The closest layer at the bottom is 3 to 5 people; the next layer around 15 people and so on up to the 150 at the top.  Consequently, for those vital, life affirming, validating relationships, we want to shoot for 3 to 5 people.  So your social circle  could be up to 150 if you are a very social, extroverted sort of person (where your energy and life force is fed by being with others) but your “tribe” or closest and most intimate circle, you ideally want to include 3 to 5 people that both validate your essential goodness and that you can trust enough to tell you the truth in a way you can hear and accept it. They may or may not hold your values as close to their hearts as you do, but they should respect you and your values.  If you are more of an introvert (drawing your energy from time spent alone to recharge yourself), your tribe might be a smaller pool, but you still want a few close and trustworthy individuals.


A few tips for finding your tribe: join a book club, or other club or group, church, take a class, volunteer, connect with neighbors, call a friend for coffee or just to keep In touch.  Consider the quality of your current relationships. Are you giving more than you receive? Do you take more than you give? Do you enjoy the time you are spending together or is it an effort? Sometimes we need to make space for new relationships. Are you willing to put in the time and effort to build new and/or maintain current relationships?  After all, we are tribal by nature, that is depending on one another helped us survive and thrive as a species. We need each other.


As the holidays approach, many tend to gather and reconnect with others. We are moving into the holiday season. It can bring both a sense of connection, nostalgia and, for some, longing and loneliness. It can be an opportunity to explore and strengthen your connections.


If you are struggling with loneliness or relationships, and it’s causing you pain in your life and are unable to move forward, you might want to consider talking with a therapist to help you sort things out.  At Elephant Rock Counseling, we are available to listen and provide support and guidance.  We would be happy to talk with you.



San Mueller, M.Ed., LPC, LBC-DBT Certified
Elephant Rock Counseling 
​Kirkwood, MO

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San is a Licensed Professional Counselor with Elephant Rock Counseling, LLC.  San specializes in therapies that utilize mindfulness based principles such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  She enjoys teaching yoga, spending time with her family, and working with her clients.