3 Tips For Managing an Addiction

I have a very special place in my heart for those who are trying to overcome an addiction.  I have helped numerous people in therapy overcome their addictions in the last ten plus years, one of them being myself almost twenty years ago.  Overcoming nicotine in my late twenty's was one of the most painful, humbling, and eventually one of the more rewarding accomplishments of my life.  Yes, it was that hard.  Nicotine won't immediately turn your life upside down like Heroin or Severe Alcohol usage can, however numerous studies have rated its addictive qualities equivalent to Heroin.  Overcoming an addiction takes a lot of heart, but it also takes a lot of brain.  In this short blog, I'm going to share 3 tips that can help get you started if you're ready to give up your addiction.

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Tip 1:  Don't Judge Your Addiction, Be Curious  


I discussed this so many times with one of my counseling clients she brought in a framed quote by Walt Whitman to hang on my wall which stated, "Be Curious, Not Judgmental."  Entering a mindset that is free of judgment clears the mind allowing us to see a lot more clearly how the pattern continues to repeat.  This is an important step as often patterns are extremely subtle and elusive in terms of what we say to ourselves, people and places we associate with, and how we interact with painful emotions and stressful events.  It makes sense that we naturally judge ourselves when we're doing something that is harmful to us or other people.  However, if the judgment has been going on for quite some time without progress, it's likely guilt thats morphed into toxic shame making it even harder to get free from the addiction.  Shame becomes a powerful self-fulfilling force that can make one believe it's hopeless, we deserve it, we're weak; and believing there's no way out is a few short steps away from, "I give up."  


It can be helpful to remind yourself that of course I'm doing the best I can, maybe I need to do better, but I haven't figured that out yet so I'm still doing the best I can for now.  I've never known anyone who truly wants to be miserably addicted to substances or behaviors that are controlling their lives, but often judgments from ourselves and family would imply that I must want to be miserable.  Not judging and being curious is a lot more helpful.  Even if what we notice is - "I'm not that willing to give up my addictive behaviors," we can notice that without judgment.  This strategy is partly how I was able to give up nicotine. 


After years of failing to give up nicotine I started to notice how shameful I was about my continued failing over and over, and equally shameful that I continued to notice a secret part of me that didn't want to give it up.  I started to wonder if something must be wrong with me for not being able to overcome the addiction.  I wondered if I must be very weak because another part of me really did want to quit.  Fortunately, out of curiosity I decided that I was going to try something different.  I wasn't going to judge myself any longer.  I was at least going to enjoy the nicotine, and then see what happened.   And something really interesting happened about 4-6 months later.  I woke up one day having a strong motivation to quit and it wasn't motivated by shame.  I was just ready to make another effort to quit and that was the beginning of me successfully overcoming my addiction.  I will never forget how getting free from my shame was an integral part of getting free from the substance.  Some would rationally argue that certain drugs or addictive behaviors would be very risky to simply enjoy for another 4-6 months.  This is true, especially if the person is a legitimate harm to themself or others.  Nonetheless, after addressing those realities, it's still going to be very hard to make any progress if you're stuck in shame and judgment.  Research indicates that it takes the average person years to overcome substance abuse or addictive behaviors such as eating disorders.  I would argue that in many situations if individuals and families would STOP, take a step back, be curious and non-judgmental about the addiction, trust the therapy process through ups and downs, they would likely work through it much faster.  After failing for several years, it was a few months of non-judgmental spirit that finally helped me get the upper hand.  I haven't used nicotine for almost 20 years and going.  


A final note on Tip #1.  Not judging doesn't mean I'm warm and fuzzy with the person who's addictive behaviors are causing serious problems or worry for others.  Enforcing appropriate consequences, allowing natural consequences, and utilizing reinforcement principles can also be very effective.   I often coach families not to show up to the hospital after an overdose or suicide attempt with stuffed animals and a lot of warm sympathy.  This can reinforce the behavior and the natural tendency to repeat something that elicits a lot of positive attention.  Providing any necessary support and counseling to get back on the track of curiosity and learning from the incident without judgment is all that is needed.  



Tip 2:  Admit You're Powerless to Your Addiction


Many of you are probably aware this is the first step in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) 12 step support groups.  It's also another important piece related to my own path in overcoming that addiction.  Sometime during those 4-6 months, I clearly remember a silent prayer acknowledging just those words, "I'm powerless to this," and asking for help with the addiction.  I will never forget the transformative power in those words, it was very subtle and yet so powerful.  For the first time I deeply admitted that I had no ability to manage or control the addiction.  I was no match for the addiction and I made this fully conscious.  Up until this point I was always holding onto hope that I could be one of those people who could use nicotine in moderation and that somehow I could manage the addiction which is a common distortion for individuals stuck in addiction.  I always find it interesting when talking with clients about the first step, as it was such a turning point for me even when I had no clue what the 12 steps were.  Therefore, it's probably important to note that 12 step groups are just one of many tools and strategies to overcome an addiction.  Many people have overcome addictions without them including myself as many of the steps are universal archetypal strategies that have been given names with a structure and format.  


Once taking the fist step, powerlessness becomes not a weakness but a mighty sword when taking on addiction.  Once we have a healthy dose of respect for the addiction complex one usually starts to naturally move away from trying to overpower the addiction to outmaneuvering the addiction.  Be smart not strong is a common treatment phrase.  Similarly, during a session when working with an adolescent we processed how powerful his gaming addiction was comparing it to the sirens in "The Odyessy" or the ring in "The Lord of The Rings."  Shortly after, he was trying to complete homework that he desperately wanted to do and yet he observed over and over the pull of his X-box was so powerful he was defenseless to its stunning graphics and dopamine hits to the brain.  He then experienced a moment of clarity and envisioned his only way out was to quickly and decisively smash his X-box to the point of no return.   He processed some natural and expected remorse, but he also indicated experiencing a tremendous relief no longer trying to manage or be stronger than the addiction.  He also couldn't remember the last time he was caught up on all his assignments since his mom stopped monitoring his school work.  



Tip 3:  Develop The Right Outlook With Relapse


The last tip is an important mindset for the addicted person and equally helpful for supporting family.  Many times the client and his supports see relapse as failure and view treatment as an "event" versus a "process."  It's not uncommon to hear these supports comment about the treatment after a set back, "Well that didn't work."  A lot of times there has been significant progress and improvements that go unnoticed.  Seeing treatment as an event can be demoralizing when the person knows how hard they have been trying.   It's very important to validate those efforts and keep things in perspective. 


It can be a lot more helpful to see recovery as a process, and relapse as part of recovery especially since we know on average addictions can take years to recover from.  Usually about this time the thought comes to mind, "Well isn't that the perfect excuse to not change."  It's helpful to remember something I mentioned earlier, I've never known anyone who truly wants to be miserably addicted to substances or behaviors that are controlling their lives and making them unmanageable. 


Ironically, it's often the supports who are providing the most cover for the addicted person who fall into the insincerity trap, "they don't want to get better."   It's definitely more likely someone will continue an unhealthy behavior when there are no natural consequences to their behavior and they have someone else handling financial obligations.  I have witnessed many parents allowing their adult children to live in their basement using drugs, having little expectations, and instead relying on relentless lectures and shame to change the behavior.  It's likely the person still does want to change but its become too easy to not address the problem.  Often someone in addiction will change because the pain of not changing is starting to become even more painful.  Natural consequences usually take care of this but when family members unwittingly get in the way despite their best intentions, it slows down the process.   


After making sure we aren't reinforcing the behavior in some way, it's extremely important to develop a relationship with relapse that emphasizes what can be learned from the setback without judgment (tip #1).  This emphasizes the process of practicing like playing a sport or instrument and getting better over time.  If your addiction becomes manageable right away, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.  


I hope you learned something valuable from this short blog and don’t hesitate to reach out for any further information or assistance.  Comments are always welcome below.


Best, 

Chad Randall, M.Ed., LPC, CCDP-D
Elephant Rock Counseling
Kirkwood, Missouri


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