Parenting Perils & Strategies For Navigating Common Pitfalls

There’s a saying that parenting doesn’t come with a handbook, and there is a lot of truth with that saying.  My own parenting has been part of rewarding life moments revealing some of my strengths, and some of my humblest moments, coming face to face with shortcomings previously underestimated.  Your child has a way of mirroring your strengths and not so flattering aspects that make minimizing a lot more difficult, and of course it’s the latter which is so hard to accept.  It’s hard work but if we are willing we can learn to be more effective parents.


In this blog, I’m going to give you some concrete ideas to consider related to parenting.  However, like any behavior change you’ll struggle to implement those changes if you simply read this blog and move on.  Changing patterns usually involves jumping in with both feet, taking an honest inventory, practicing new skills including a little private rehearsal, reading a good parenting book more than once, having a real desire to change ineffective patterns, and a patient spirit with yourself because you’re going to get it wrong over and over in the beginning.  There’s something about trying new skills that really brings out the critic in people, so again being gentle with yourself is really helpful.


Before we discuss some concrete ideas, here are a few thoughts to consider related to how confusing it is to know what’s right or wrong when parenting.  I’m sure you’ve witnessed the many opinions from friends and family related to how we should be raising our children.  I’ve heard a few parents tell it like this, “You’ve got to be in charge with your kids and make sure they know who is boss, we didn’t tolerate any disrespect in our house, our kids behaved and they grew up to be fine young people.”  Or on the opposite side of the spectrum, “We let our kids figure out their own problems, I’m sure they made some big mistakes and we didn’t know a lot of what they were up to but they turned out fine, you have to let kids make bad choices and find their own way.”


And this is why there is no handbook for parenting because kids have been successfully raised by such a variety of parenting styles, many that probably wouldn’t be advocated in our latest how to parenting books.  These parents sometimes go around telling everyone what great kids they have and giving unsolicited parenting advice to caregivers who are struggling.  And so like reading the internet, it becomes very confusing and also full of misinformation.   


Parenting becomes really challenging when you don’t have a child with an easy temperament, or struggles with school and concentration (ADHD) and you have an inconsistent or very strict parenting style with little patience or flexibility, or a very loose parenting style with an impulsive child who makes risky decisions.


Poor parental child fit is often when problems arise and it becomes necessary to examine if our too strict or too loose approach needs to be altered.  If really strict or really loose parenting works, it potentially works, though behind the scenes productive children can be very unhappy but that’s a topic for another blog.  However, what direction do we take when our child rebels and becoming stricter creates more rebellion.  Similarly, when letting our kids make their own mistakes leads to out of control risky behaviors.  Hopefully, we start thinking about shifting our strategy and acknowledge what we’re doing isn’t working very well.


Some of the more common pitfalls I see with parenting are frantic efforts to help our children avoid failure, continually nagging children or giving them daily lectures, and even worse feeling guilty about enforcing some consequences so we take them back making our words and actions less powerful in the future.  There’s a fantastic parenting book, “Love and Logic - When Your Kids Leave You Speechless,” by Jim and Charles Fay that does a nice job of illustrating how ridiculous speeches to our children can be.  It emphasizes our irrational beliefs that our kids will to listen to one of our eloquent speeches and respond with, “You’re right mom/dad, I never thought of that, I’m going to really help out more around here without you having to ask me.  I’m going to clean up the basement right now.  Anything else you need me to do?”  Wishful thinking right - it doesn’t happen.  Most kids are just kids, they don’t intend to play fair in the arena of chores or responsibilities and more innocently they don’t have the maturity to appreciate what parents do for them, and even if they do, it’s really hard for a kid to think like a little adult because their world is about having fun and being in the moment.  Therefore, once we understand our nagging and lectures are of little value we turn our focus to being effective and finding strategies that help kids make better decisions.  This usually involves consequences delivered in a firm yet loving way along with parents being more mindful of when they are too far in one direction such as too loose or too strict.


The rest of this blog will offer specific strategies and concepts that can be used with your children, and most parents find these helpful and easy to understand.  The part I observe most difficult for parents is related to how we deliver these strategies stylistically in a “consistent, firm and loving way,” along with having an awareness of when we are out of balance with dialectic opposites such as too strict or loose previously mentioned.


There’s a great strategy in the Love and Logic Parenting book I referenced earlier which I often share with parents called the “Brain Drain.”  When your kids aren’t behaving, refusing to do what you ask, or being highly disruptive to the environment you employ this strategy by using those exact words, “This is really becoming a Brain Drain for me - if you’re not able to stop yelling - you’ll need to think of a way you can make it up to me so I can recharge.”  If you’ve successfully used this strategy in a firm and loving way in the past, often that’s all you have to say to bring some peace back to the environment in this type of situation.


However, using this strategy in the beginning often means being a courageous parent and implementing some consequences related to your child making it up to you when the behavior doesn’t change after a request.  It’s recommended you give your child some time to think about how they’re going make it up to you.  If they can’t think of anything in a reasonable amount of time you help them come up with a chore.  If they follow through, you might want to let them know how much you appreciate this without any lecture related to the original behavior.  I’m sure many parents are thinking, yeah right, my kid would just blow the whole thing off, and that’s where you continue being firm, respectful, and deliver a consequence in a loving way.  Many parents have a lot more power than they realize, and it doesn’t involve yelling.


For instance, lets anticipate your child forces you into a last resort option by refusing to stop the behavior and can't think of a consequence.  You decide for him that making it up to you is raking the back yard but he refused to do it or simply blew it off by never getting around to it.  After a few days related to making sure your child had adequate time to complete the task, the parent might take away a favorite possession and when the child noticed the item missing the parent might say, “I asked you to rake the back yard and when you didn’t do it I had to sell your Zombie Apocalypse game in order to pay for the yard to be raked.”


Is your child going to be furious?


Of course!


However, if you refuse to argue with your child, “I love you too much to argue,” (another Love and Logic strategy) or continue stating without any sarcasm, anger, or lectures, “I know you’re really angry and it’s really sad you don’t have your game," it’s likely your child will take you very seriously the next time you mention a “Brain Drain.”  You will also have done little damage to the relationship creating future rebellion if you do this in a very firm, consistent, and loving way without adding unproductive comments such as, “well, this could have all been avoided had you just done what you were told.”


You let consequences speak for themselves, not the lecture, and at the same time express validation and empathy related to their painful emotions.  Wouldn’t you be bummed if one of your favorite possessions was gone?  However, you don’t have to feel guilty if you’re one of those parents because you’re setting up your child for long term success.  Delivered in this way these strategies can be highly effective in shaping the behaviors you want and helping your child learn to be responsible and respectful.  These are just a few of the countless strategies outlined in this book and I would highly recommend to any caregiver having parenting difficulties with their child to read this parenting book.


It’s worth emphasizing, the authors of this book point out many times if you use these strategies from a place of bluffing, anger, sarcasm, or to get up on your child they will likely just make the situation worse.  Far too many parents underestimate or minimize this when trying to implement these types of strategies.  Probably because doing this in a loving, firm, consistent way is far harder than simply learning these strategies.  I will talk about some ways to help with those challenges at the end of this blog.


Moving on to some conceptual frameworks with parenting.  We have an Adolescent DBT Therapy Group and right now we are talking about how to find the middle path in parenting.  Most of the material I’m summarizing in the following section comes from the DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents by Jill H. Rathus and Alec L. Miller.  We have been discussing how parents can be on the extremes of problematic parenting styles such as:


1. Making Light of Problem Behaviors versus Making Too Much of Typical Behaviors
2. Fostering Dependence versus Forcing Independence
3. Too Strict versus Too Loose


It’s interesting how parents start to notice how they can lean heavily to one side and in other situations lean the other way, sometimes flipping to the other extreme out of frustration when the opposite extreme isn't working.  Most parents can begin to identify how extremes are part of what brought them into therapy and how it can be valuable to find a middle path related to these dialectical opposites.    


1.
Making light of problem behaviors is about minimizing potentially serious and harmful behaviors.  Rationalizing that many other kids at school are using drugs, “it’s just a phase they are going through.”  Little worries about failing grades, frequent isolation from the family, getting suspended or arrested, or even making light of excessive electronic usage, “that’s just what kids do these days.”


Making too much of typical behavior is related to excessive worry and concern about what are considered typical and normal paths for most children.  Wanting to send our child to a boarding school for briefly experimenting with marijuana, lecturing your child shamefully about how much effort it takes to be successful in life during periods of low motivation to study, similarly shaming your child for having a messy room, or severe punishment for having an attitude.


A middle path between these two polarities involves an honest inventory between what behaviors are likely to cause real harm versus behaviors that are naturally frustrating for parents but typical for children and therefore not shaming them but using loving and firm shaping strategies as discussed previously.  Behaviors that have the potential to cause real harm should be addressed having regular discussions with your child about the problem and reaching out for help if necessary.


2.
Fostering dependence is similar to helicopter parents.  These parents are always hovering and solving problems for their children, resolving disputes between friends, doing homework for them, picking up after them, making decisions for them, and not allowing little mistakes that don’t really matter.


Forcing independence is quite the opposite with a parent providing no assistance, belittling a child’s need for attention & attachment to the caretaker, a belief that throwing your child into the deep end will make them stronger even when they have little skill or ability to manage the situation.  These parents believe making their kids tough is the answer and underestimate that development is a process, thus putting way too much on their children creating overwhelming anxiety and urges to give up.

A middle path is holding on while letting go.  A parent provides coaching, guidance, and support while slowly working towards greater autonomy and independence.


3.
Too loose often involves excessive permissiveness, not having any expectations around the house, no chores, not having to pick up after themselves, no curfew, little supervision, and showing little to no interest or involvement in academic matters.


Too strict often involves perfectionist standards, overwhelming demands, only noticing what they don’t do, regular and harsh punishment, no privacy such as invasive spying on texts and e-mails when there has been little reason to be suspicious about something serious that needs close monitoring.


A middle path between these two polarities involves having clear rules in the house, enforcing them consistently, while also allowing your child to have some say.  We are guided not only by our own values but our children’s values, recognizing them as a unique person and not merely an extension of  ourselves.  It’s firm, flexible, and a friendly approach.  A parent is neither feared nor ignored.   


Learning some strategies and conceptual frameworks can be helpful for parenting more effectively.  However, as I mentioned earlier I have observed that many parents struggle to execute these strategies despite having this knowledge.  Sometimes parents are overwhelmed with guilt when enforcing consequences, sometimes parents are lonely and want to be friends with their children so they fear harming or losing the relationship, sometimes parents worry excessively about what other parents will think if their kids aren’t acting just right, sometimes parents simply have very distorted thinking about what works like excessive lecturing or punishment and thus have never learned more effective strategies.  Other times parents are very aware of dysfunctional dynamics, they are very willing to change but changing seems out of reach.  They might be overwhelmed with their own problems or plagued by overwhelming emotions and urges to lecture, yell, or conversely to give in or look away when things get hard.


So how do we overcome these problems.  In short, you have to get right by yourself.  Learning parenting skills is most definitely helpful but you’ll have to start working on yourself versus putting all the focus on your kid, even though your kids behavior might be understandably very frustrating.  Most of the time we have very little control over how our kids behave in the short term, but we do have some control over how we react to their behaviors if we work on ourselves, and over the long term this is how we begin to have some control over how are kids behave.  We begin shaping them by our reactions.


As a therapist I have always ascribed to Carl Jung’s Philosophy on how to be an effective therapist.  Jung believed a therapist should learn all he can about technique and then forget everything and simply be present with your client.  Jung also believed a therapist should undergo extensive psychotherapy so as not to bring too many of his own problems into the therapy room.  I believe parenting is very similar.  Learn all you can, be fully present with your child, and commit to working on yourself versus only focusing on your child.  If you can be successful with yourself you’ll likely rub off on your child in the ways you want to.


Working on yourself is simple and complex.  Exercising, eating healthier, having some hobbies you look forward to, spending some time away from your children, and overall having a more effective work/life balance can all be helpful.  These lifestyles can reduce our vulnerability so as to have more patience and access a clear mind when behaviors become more challenging.  It can also be helpful to do your own therapy, have a regular mindfulness practice to build awareness, identify problematic patterns and beliefs, let go of some stress, and develop an ability to step back from our thoughts and emotions as difficult situations arise.


I hope you found some of this information useful and I wish you good luck in creating a rewarding and meaningful relationship with your most beloved children.  And remember, be patient and gentle with yourself.  The ideas outlined in this blog aren’t quick fixes, so move forward with some changes if you are willing while also knowing that for today you are doing the best you can.


Best,


Chad Randall, M.Ed., LPC, CCDP-D
Elephant Rock Counseling, LLC
​Kirkwood, Missouri