Validation - The Secret to Better Communication.

Healthy communication can be a lot of work and very elusive.  It can require some trust and creates some vulnerability that feels like a losing strategy to some.  Additionally, sometimes it means temporarily tolerating our own discomfort.  These aspects and the communication strategies I’m going to be advocating in this blog are certainly not visible when watching cable news guests who model harsh retorts, winning at all cost, deeply invalidating each others point a view even when there seems to be at least some truth in both positions.  I think many of us have been in those situations ourselves with family, friends, colleagues and wonder if there has to be a better way to interact while trying to work through a conflict, or even when trying to help someone we think isn’t making the best choices.  Fortunately, there is one tool that can be very helpful, and in this short blog I’ll be introducing the concept of validation which can be very powerful in creating healthier communication, especially if the relationship is important to you.  It should be noted validation is not the same as agreement and I will repeat this theme many times throughout in different contexts.    


It’s been my observation that a lot of unhealthy communication in typical conversation stems from the position that one of us is right and one of us is wrong.  In truth, this is rarely true.  To illustrate this we often use the on/off light switch versus dimmer light switch analogy to teach less black and white thinking.  If we can interact with opposing positions/views on a dimmer switch versus an on/off switch we can often begin to see at least a “small kernel of truth" from the others perspective.  It’s quite remarkable but acknowledging a small kernel of truth can go a long way in building a bridge towards meaningful and positive outcomes.  As therapists we often elicit this type of approach.  For instance, I remember an interaction from a while back going something like this, “She called me a jerk for the last time, I’m not a jerk, I’m done.”  “Were you maybe acting a little bit like a jerk.”  “Well - maybe a little bit.”


When I work with couples or parent-child relationships sometimes I get an image of an old Atari game called Pong while initially watching their strained communication.  Pong was one the first video games ever produced where a little ball would go back and forth with each player raising or lowering an object on their side of the TV screen so as not to let the ball hit the wall behind them, and thus sending the ball back towards the other side after successfully positioning the object directly in the path of the ball.  Imagine two goalies protecting their nets but with no pause in the game between saving a goal and shooting back at the other goal, as it's all happening in one continuous motion.  As the game went on the ball kept going faster and faster until someone couldn’t keep up with the movements and the ball would eventually hit the wall behind one player making the other side a victor.  The ball for me took the shape of communication itself (a point of view) being transmitted from one person to another.  I say something, you say something, I say something, you say something, etc.  As neither one slows down enough to acknowledge an understanding of the others point of view and only asserts their own point of view the ball starts going faster and faster which is what I call competitive “escalation.”  You can easily observe the intensity pick up in conversations where there is no validation with each other.  


Validation on the other hand slows everything down.  I’ve imagined this same game from a validation perspective with the objects used to bounce the ball back to other side having baseball gloves where they catch the ball first before sending it back, taking some time to look into the glove curiously observing the ball (other point of view), and then sending the ball back with an acknowledgment of the others perspective before adding their own perspective.  As I mentioned earlier, validation doesn’t mean agreement.  It means I can understand how you might think that, and I hear what you are saying.  With this rhythm it’s hard to imagine the ball moving into a state of escalation where it just goes faster and faster. 


Here are a few vignettes to demonstrate both styles:


No Validation (faster and faster):


I think we should get a cleaning service.
We don’t have the money for that.
I think we do.
Not really.
Maybe you should clean more around here then.
I don’t think so.  This is your idea.    
Then we are getting a cleaning service.
No we aren’t and you have the time to do that anyway.
How dare you - you don’t appreciate what I do around here.
You don’t appreciate what I do around here, and you’re not being realistic.
You need to give up a few hobbies and then we can afford a cleaning service.
You spend more money than me, forget it, we aren’t getting a cleaning service.
Yes we are.
No we’re not.


Validation (slower):


I think we should get a cleaning service.
Sounds like you think the house is dirty.  
Yes, it really gets me down.
I could maybe see that, I know you like things to be really clean.  I have some concerns how we can pay for that.
That’s a valid concern, this is really important to me though and I think it's feasible.  
If this is really important to you I think we’d have to look at our budget.
Sounds like you are worried about the finances if we do this.
Yes, it stresses me out when we get overstretched.
I know that’s important to you, maybe we can find some middle ground.
I like that.  For instance, cleaning services are usually every couple of weeks, maybe it could be monthly?
That could work, and if I wanted the service more often maybe I could give something else up.
Sounds good.  Let’s talk more this weekend.
That works.



I think most people reading over the two vignettes would easily prefer the second style of communication and yet the first is all to common.  I think this is largely because people believe that validation weakens their position.  They think - If I acknowledge your viewpoint, it means I wholly agree with what you are saying and forfeit my position.  And this is just not true!  Again, validation is not agreement to your position.  It's an understanding how what you did or think could make sense.  Usually, the more someone acknowledges at least our point of view, the more likely we are to acknowledge their point of view.  It makes us feel better about the other person, the interaction, and increases the likelihood we can find an agreement that works for both of us.  I used the qualifier “usually” because there are relationships where it’s very clear the other person doesn't care about your wants, needs, and is extremely harsh going about getting what they want.  Using a lot of validation in these circumstances can lead to the other person taking you for granted, making it harder to find a healthy resolution.  In general though, even in strained relationships, I find that most people underuse validation and see progress in their relationships when they start slowing down the conversation and taking some time to acknowledge and validate what the other person is saying before asserting.  I had a very difficult personal relationship for many years and after both of us were introduced to validation via career paths and speciality training - our relationship has dramatically improved.  Interacting has went from challenging to pleasurable and rewarding.  


Depression and Suicide are great examples where concerned family members are reluctant to validate deep sadness or suicidal thoughts because they erroneously think it will increase those things, that somehow they are agreeing they should stay depressed or kill themselves by validating their experience.  So instead of communicating something helpful like, “I can’t imagine how hard it must be if you're thinking about killing yourself,” (validation of their experience) family members often send well intended but unhelpful messages such as, “don’t be depressed, you shouldn’t be thinking about killing yourself, it’s killing everyone to see you like this.”  If they were depressed before imagine how depressed and shameful they are now.  On the other hand, the first statement is usually therapeutic for individuals as it’s validating their internal experience and that feels very good to people in pain.  Someone really understands.  Once people feel safe and validated they are often more willing to explore ways they could be less depressed and suicidal.


Distorted cognitions of what helps or beliefs that one is undermining their own position aren’t the only reasons people struggle to validate.  Tolerating our own discomfort is another challenge with validation.  When someone is upset, often we don’t want to be around that emotion so we try to change the emotion by cheering them up or expressing anger or disappointment with them for being upset.  This is very invalidating because it communicates that your feelings are wrong, and paradoxically it makes it even harder for the person to let go of that emotion when you invalidate the emotion.  Has anyone said to you, “I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to listen.”  They sense you are trying to push away their emotion, they don’t want to be calmed down, they want you to listen and understand.  Pushing away their emotion doesn’t calm them down, it can even make it harder to calm down.  However, it’s understandable people try to do this as the effective response is somewhat counterintuitive.  Nonetheless, validation is extremely important here and the other person will likely be more in the mood to problem solve if you slow down and validate first, letting the emotion come down naturally before you try and offer some helpful feedback.  However, that might involve you experiencing some temporary uncomfortable emotions until the other person is more regulated and has fully processed what they wanted to share with you.  This is one of the highest levels of validation as you are communicating - I’m here with you, I can tell this is really painful, you matter enough for more to endure this with you.


In closing, there is nothing I find more important in working with clients than to first make sure I understand where they are coming from, why they are doing what they are doing, how it makes sense, even if it’s obvious they need to make some big changes.  This has taken me very far on many occasions when helping people work through their problems and it’s an often underused skill that many of us could give more attention in improving our relationships.


I do hope you gained something from this short blog and don’t hesitate to reach out for any further information or assistance.  Comments are always welcome below.


Best,


Chad Randall M.Ed, LPC, CCDP-D
Elephant Rock Counseling
Kirkwood, Missouri