HOPE MEANS LIVING WITH UNCERTAINTY


Wikipedia defines hope as: “Hope is an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. As a verb, its definitions include: "expect with confidence" and "to cherish a desire with anticipation". Among its opposites are dejection, hopelessness and despair.”


And uncertainty as:  “Uncertainty has been called "an unintelligible expression without a straightforward description". It describes a situation involving ambiguous and/or unknown information.”


As I often do, on the Sunday morning before Christmas I listened to an On Being podcast.  Krista Tippet was interviewing Rebecca Solnit (author, writer and activist).   Ms. Solnit said something that stuck with me. She said “We (frequently) know what we do and even why we do it but we don’t know what we do does.”  This struck me as so very profound and true.


As counselors, we try to help people identify where they are and where they want to go. Then we work with them to develop a plan as to how to get there.  Most therapists have a particular therapeutic philosophy and set of techniques and strategies that they have found to be successful. What I’ve found is that often people don’t know where they want to go. It’s usually easier for them to recognize where they are (not always even that) but knowing where they want to go is much more  difficult. Many times, people feel so beaten down and hopeless that they can’t see any way out of their current situation.


Quite frequently our job as therapists is to instill a sense of “hope” that there is a way out and beyond.  Hope doesn’t always mean a perfect solution, or that things will turn out the way we want (hope).  It does mean believing that things can and will change and we can increase the odds that things will be better. They do change, of course, and we have a choice of co-creating that change or allowing ourselves to be swept away giving in to doom and disaster.  That in itself is a choice which takes us back to knowing and accepting where we are.


As a therapist trained in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), I focus on behavioral change.  Balancing acceptance and change are basic to DBT. Recognizing that a situation is painful and that making a change may also be painful but is the only way to gain a sense of control and potentially shift both perspective and possibilities.  I was at a retreat in the late fall. A friend reminded me of a term I had forgotten and I have since included it into my way of thinking. The term was “adjacent possibilities” which loosely means options and opportunities that can arise out of two seemingly opposing positions, between a rock and a hard place to use an outworn phrase. It’s opening to the mystery and taking a chance that believing in an unknown something can create an opportunity for something better.
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In the past, I had a more cynical view of hope. It often seemed a cruel master as people would hope for something better but expect (and receive) something worse. That view has shifted for me. A more optimistic and realistic view of hope is to recognize that it’s unknown, that sometimes things do improve and sometimes they don’t.  Yet my job, my purpose and my lifework is to try and help people. That is the what and the why of it.  I frequently don’t know the outcome of what I do or how I try to help guide those who come to see me.  If I can’t know the outcome, does that mean I should stop trying?  For me hope means taking a risk that things will change for the better. When people make a change even taking that step is an act of courage toward creating a happier more fulfilling life. An outcome may not be what we hoped for or expected but it can be a valuable teacher. Often it means accepting that life will continue to be difficult at times, that there is sadness but  also joy.  The joy may be in knowing we can develop the strength to accept the difficulties and open to the whatever comes to us.  Hope is uncertain and life is uncertain. Being human gives us the potential to live and learn through the uncertainty and consequently to love ourselves enough to open to the fullness of life.  St. Thomas Acquinas wrote “Injustice is the worst sin but despair is the most dangerous … to not (be able) to love or care for self other.  That, I believe is hopelessness or the opposite of hope.


We teach clients to learn to accept or at least tolerate uncertainty, if we can’t solve the problem or do something to change it.  Acceptance doesn’t mean approval.  We want to know what will happen but in the waiting, in the “not knowing” there can be space and an opportunity to learn and grow.  We can learn to sit with the unknown, to breathe into it and find our own center, an inner calm in the midst of the storm.  The storm is often our busy, anxious, worrying mind, our belief we have to know. So how does hope fit in with all this waiting an uncertainty? It’s trusting ourselves and our process, that whatever the outcome, we will either get what we want, or we won’t and either way, we will be all right.  We can chose to accept the learning no matter the outcome.


I haven’t always been able to live with and accept uncertainty in my life. At times, I still fall prey to worry and the belief that I have to know the outcome before acting.  There are nights I wake up early with a concern and an urge to “figure it out”.  But I catch myself more frequently than in the past. I take a mental step back and settle myself, calming my breathing. I notice my thoughts and emotions.  I review the situation, checking the facts to see if I’ve done everything I can or if not, make a plan. I check my motive then remind myself that whatever happens I’ve likely been through worse and survived.  I don’t pretend it will all be pleasant but also recall that life typically has ups and downs, ebbs and flows. Normally this works for me although at times, I have to go through it again if it’s a particularly sticky problem.  So the hope is that I won’t always know what I’m doing will do but I do it anyway because it’s the best choice I can make.  The only other option is to freeze and not do anything. Change still occurs but rather than riding the tide, we typically get swept away with the undercurrent. Riding the wave of uncertainty and hope seems a better option.


I love Rumi. I think because Rumi holds for me a sense of finding ease and comfort during uncertainty and even painful situations. A knowing reminder that if I pay attention (softly) and let go the reins of control (without a huge struggle) that I will come out on the other side, find peace, wisdom and strength.  So I’m ending with a Rumi quote:
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There’s a saying that parenting doesn’t come with a handbook, and there is a lot of truth with that saying.  My own parenting has been part of rewarding life moments revealing some of my strengths, and some of my humblest moments, coming face to face with shortcomings previously underestimated.  Your child has a way of mirroring your strengths and not so flattering aspects that make minimizing a lot more difficult, and of course it’s the latter which is so hard to accept.  It’s hard work but if we are willing we can learn to be more effective parents.


In this blog, I’m going to give you some concrete ideas to consider related to parenting.  However, like any behavior change you’ll struggle to implement those changes if you simply read this blog and move on.  Changing patterns usually involves jumping in with both feet, taking an honest inventory, practicing new skills including a little private rehearsal, reading a good parenting book more than once, having a real desire to change ineffective patterns, and a patient spirit with yourself because you’re going to get it wrong over and over in the beginning.  There’s something about trying new skills that really brings out the critic in people, so again being gentle with yourself is really helpful.


Before we discuss some concrete ideas, here are a few thoughts to consider related to how confusing it is to know what’s right or wrong when parenting.  I’m sure you’ve witnessed the many opinions from friends and family related to how we should be raising our children.  I’ve heard a few parents tell it like this, “You’ve got to be in charge with your kids and make sure they know who is boss, we didn’t tolerate any disrespect in our house, our kids behaved and they grew up to be fine young people.”  Or on the opposite side of the spectrum, “We let our kids figure out their own problems, I’m sure they made some big mistakes and we didn’t know a lot of what they were up to but they turned out fine, you have to let kids make bad choices and find their own way.”


And this is why there is no handbook for parenting because kids have been successfully raised by such a variety of parenting styles, many that probably wouldn’t be advocated in our latest how to parenting books.  These parents sometimes go around telling everyone what great kids they have and giving unsolicited parenting advice to caregivers who are struggling.  And so like reading the internet, it becomes very confusing and also full of misinformation.   


Parenting becomes really challenging when you don’t have a child with an easy temperament, or struggles with school and concentration (ADHD) and you have an inconsistent or very strict parenting style with little patience or flexibility, or a very loose parenting style with an impulsive child who makes risky decisions.


Poor parental child fit is often when problems arise and it becomes necessary to examine if our too strict or too loose approach needs to be altered.  If really strict or really loose parenting works, it potentially works, though behind the scenes productive children can be very unhappy but that’s a topic for another blog.  However, what direction do we take when our child rebels and becoming stricter creates more rebellion.  Similarly, when letting our kids make their own mistakes leads to out of control risky behaviors.  Hopefully, we start thinking about shifting our strategy and acknowledge what we’re doing isn’t working very well.


Some of the more common pitfalls I see with parenting are frantic efforts to help our children avoid failure, continually nagging children or giving them daily lectures, and even worse feeling guilty about enforcing some consequences so we take them back making our words and actions less powerful in the future.  There’s a fantastic parenting book, “Love and Logic - When Your Kids Leave You Speechless,” by Jim and Charles Fay that does a nice job of illustrating how ridiculous speeches to our children can be.  It emphasizes our irrational beliefs that our kids will to listen to one of our eloquent speeches and respond with, “You’re right mom/dad, I never thought of that, I’m going to really help out more around here without you having to ask me.  I’m going to clean up the basement right now.  Anything else you need me to do?”  Wishful thinking right - it doesn’t happen.  Most kids are just kids, they don’t intend to play fair in the arena of chores or responsibilities and more innocently they don’t have the maturity to appreciate what parents do for them, and even if they do, it’s really hard for a kid to think like a little adult because their world is about having fun and being in the moment.  Therefore, once we understand our nagging and lectures are of little value we turn our focus to being effective and finding strategies that help kids make better decisions.  This usually involves consequences delivered in a firm yet loving way along with parents being more mindful of when they are too far in one direction such as too loose or too strict.


The rest of this blog will offer specific strategies and concepts that can be used with your children, and most parents find these helpful and easy to understand.  The part I observe most difficult for parents is related to how we deliver these strategies stylistically in a “consistent, firm and loving way,” along with having an awareness of when we are out of balance with dialectic opposites such as too strict or loose previously mentioned.


There’s a great strategy in the Love and Logic Parenting book I referenced earlier which I often share with parents called the “Brain Drain.”  When your kids aren’t behaving, refusing to do what you ask, or being highly disruptive to the environment you employ this strategy by using those exact words, “This is really becoming a Brain Drain for me - if you’re not able to stop yelling - you’ll need to think of a way you can make it up to me so I can recharge.”  If you’ve successfully used this strategy in a firm and loving way in the past, often that’s all you have to say to bring some peace back to the environment in this type of situation.


However, using this strategy in the beginning often means being a courageous parent and implementing some consequences related to your child making it up to you when the behavior doesn’t change after a request.  It’s recommended you give your child some time to think about how they’re going make it up to you.  If they can’t think of anything in a reasonable amount of time you help them come up with a chore.  If they follow through, you might want to let them know how much you appreciate this without any lecture related to the original behavior.  I’m sure many parents are thinking, yeah right, my kid would just blow the whole thing off, and that’s where you continue being firm, respectful, and deliver a consequence in a loving way.  Many parents have a lot more power than they realize, and it doesn’t involve yelling.


For instance, lets anticipate your child forces you into a last resort option by refusing to stop the behavior and can't think of a consequence.  You decide for him that making it up to you is raking the back yard but he refused to do it or simply blew it off by never getting around to it.  After a few days related to making sure your child had adequate time to complete the task, the parent might take away a favorite possession and when the child noticed the item missing the parent might say, “I asked you to rake the back yard and when you didn’t do it I had to sell your Zombie Apocalypse game in order to pay for the yard to be raked.”


Is your child going to be furious?


Of course!


However, if you refuse to argue with your child, “I love you too much to argue,” (another Love and Logic strategy) or continue stating without any sarcasm, anger, or lectures, “I know you’re really angry and it’s really sad you don’t have your game," it’s likely your child will take you very seriously the next time you mention a “Brain Drain.”  You will also have done little damage to the relationship creating future rebellion if you do this in a very firm, consistent, and loving way without adding unproductive comments such as, “well, this could have all been avoided had you just done what you were told.”


You let consequences speak for themselves, not the lecture, and at the same time express validation and empathy related to their painful emotions.  Wouldn’t you be bummed if one of your favorite possessions was gone?  However, you don’t have to feel guilty if you’re one of those parents because you’re setting up your child for long term success.  Delivered in this way these strategies can be highly effective in shaping the behaviors you want and helping your child learn to be responsible and respectful.  These are just a few of the countless strategies outlined in this book and I would highly recommend to any caregiver having parenting difficulties with their child to read this parenting book.


It’s worth emphasizing, the authors of this book point out many times if you use these strategies from a place of bluffing, anger, sarcasm, or to get up on your child they will likely just make the situation worse.  Far too many parents underestimate or minimize this when trying to implement these types of strategies.  Probably because doing this in a loving, firm, consistent way is far harder than simply learning these strategies.  I will talk about some ways to help with those challenges at the end of this blog.


Moving on to some conceptual frameworks with parenting.  We have an Adolescent DBT Therapy Group and right now we are talking about how to find the middle path in parenting.  Most of the material I’m summarizing in the following section comes from the DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents by Jill H. Rathus and Alec L. Miller.  We have been discussing how parents can be on the extremes of problematic parenting styles such as:


1. Making Light of Problem Behaviors versus Making Too Much of Typical Behaviors
2. Fostering Dependence versus Forcing Independence
3. Too Strict versus Too Loose


It’s interesting how parents start to notice how they can lean heavily to one side and in other situations lean the other way, sometimes flipping to the other extreme out of frustration when the opposite extreme isn't working.  Most parents can begin to identify how extremes are part of what brought them into therapy and how it can be valuable to find a middle path related to these dialectical opposites.    


1.
Making light of problem behaviors is about minimizing potentially serious and harmful behaviors.  Rationalizing that many other kids at school are using drugs, “it’s just a phase they are going through.”  Little worries about failing grades, frequent isolation from the family, getting suspended or arrested, or even making light of excessive electronic usage, “that’s just what kids do these days.”


Making too much of typical behavior is related to excessive worry and concern about what are considered typical and normal paths for most children.  Wanting to send our child to a boarding school for briefly experimenting with marijuana, lecturing your child shamefully about how much effort it takes to be successful in life during periods of low motivation to study, similarly shaming your child for having a messy room, or severe punishment for having an attitude.


A middle path between these two polarities involves an honest inventory between what behaviors are likely to cause real harm versus behaviors that are naturally frustrating for parents but typical for children and therefore not shaming them but using loving and firm shaping strategies as discussed previously.  Behaviors that have the potential to cause real harm should be addressed having regular discussions with your child about the problem and reaching out for help if necessary.


2.
Fostering dependence is similar to helicopter parents.  These parents are always hovering and solving problems for their children, resolving disputes between friends, doing homework for them, picking up after them, making decisions for them, and not allowing little mistakes that don’t really matter.


Forcing independence is quite the opposite with a parent providing no assistance, belittling a child’s need for attention & attachment to the caretaker, a belief that throwing your child into the deep end will make them stronger even when they have little skill or ability to manage the situation.  These parents believe making their kids tough is the answer and underestimate that development is a process, thus putting way too much on their children creating overwhelming anxiety and urges to give up.

A middle path is holding on while letting go.  A parent provides coaching, guidance, and support while slowly working towards greater autonomy and independence.


3.
Too loose often involves excessive permissiveness, not having any expectations around the house, no chores, not having to pick up after themselves, no curfew, little supervision, and showing little to no interest or involvement in academic matters.


Too strict often involves perfectionist standards, overwhelming demands, only noticing what they don’t do, regular and harsh punishment, no privacy such as invasive spying on texts and e-mails when there has been little reason to be suspicious about something serious that needs close monitoring.


A middle path between these two polarities involves having clear rules in the house, enforcing them consistently, while also allowing your child to have some say.  We are guided not only by our own values but our children’s values, recognizing them as a unique person and not merely an extension of  ourselves.  It’s firm, flexible, and a friendly approach.  A parent is neither feared nor ignored.   


Learning some strategies and conceptual frameworks can be helpful for parenting more effectively.  However, as I mentioned earlier I have observed that many parents struggle to execute these strategies despite having this knowledge.  Sometimes parents are overwhelmed with guilt when enforcing consequences, sometimes parents are lonely and want to be friends with their children so they fear harming or losing the relationship, sometimes parents worry excessively about what other parents will think if their kids aren’t acting just right, sometimes parents simply have very distorted thinking about what works like excessive lecturing or punishment and thus have never learned more effective strategies.  Other times parents are very aware of dysfunctional dynamics, they are very willing to change but changing seems out of reach.  They might be overwhelmed with their own problems or plagued by overwhelming emotions and urges to lecture, yell, or conversely to give in or look away when things get hard.


So how do we overcome these problems.  In short, you have to get right by yourself.  Learning parenting skills is most definitely helpful but you’ll have to start working on yourself versus putting all the focus on your kid, even though your kids behavior might be understandably very frustrating.  Most of the time we have very little control over how our kids behave in the short term, but we do have some control over how we react to their behaviors if we work on ourselves, and over the long term this is how we begin to have some control over how are kids behave.  We begin shaping them by our reactions.


As a therapist I have always ascribed to Carl Jung’s Philosophy on how to be an effective therapist.  Jung believed a therapist should learn all he can about technique and then forget everything and simply be present with your client.  Jung also believed a therapist should undergo extensive psychotherapy so as not to bring too many of his own problems into the therapy room.  I believe parenting is very similar.  Learn all you can, be fully present with your child, and commit to working on yourself versus only focusing on your child.  If you can be successful with yourself you’ll likely rub off on your child in the ways you want to.


Working on yourself is simple and complex.  Exercising, eating healthier, having some hobbies you look forward to, spending some time away from your children, and overall having a more effective work/life balance can all be helpful.  These lifestyles can reduce our vulnerability so as to have more patience and access a clear mind when behaviors become more challenging.  It can also be helpful to do your own therapy, have a regular mindfulness practice to build awareness, identify problematic patterns and beliefs, let go of some stress, and develop an ability to step back from our thoughts and emotions as difficult situations arise.


I hope you found some of this information useful and I wish you good luck in creating a rewarding and meaningful relationship with your most beloved children.  And remember, be patient and gentle with yourself.  The ideas outlined in this blog aren’t quick fixes, so move forward with some changes if you are willing while also knowing that for today you are doing the best you can.


Best,


Chad Randall, M.Ed., LPC, CCDP-D
Elephant Rock Counseling, LLC
​Kirkwood, Missouri

When I was 18 years old, I was a passenger in an automobile that was involved in a fatal crash. It happened so quickly and as I was uninjured, I tried to assist those who had been hurt. At the time, I went into action not thinking or even seeing the full extent of what had happened.  But about a week later, I started experiencing periods of time when brief scenes of the accident, like clips of a movie, would flash into my mind. I was jumpy, easily startled and had trouble sleeping. Even today, I become anxious if I’m riding in a car and the driver is following too closely or quickly applies the brakes.
What I’m describing are symptoms that commonly occur when we are in what we believe to be a life-threatening situation.  My reactions were normal and eventually resolved except for some anxiety or hypervigilance when riding in automobiles.


We frequently hear the word trauma used in conversation. We may even use it ourselves but what is trauma? Is it common or uncommon?
According to the National PTSD Center:  “Going through trauma is not rare. About 6 of every 10 men (or 60%) and 5 of every 10 women (or 50%) experience at least one trauma in their lives. Women are more likely to experience sexual assault and child sexual abuse. Men are more likely to experience accidents, physical assault, combat, disaster, or to witness death or injury.”


The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) describes trauma as a normal reaction to an extreme event. The Substance Abuse & Mental Health Service Administration (SAMHSA) proposed defining trauma as having 3 components: 1) Event 2) Experience and 3) Effect.  The most severe types of trauma are known as complex or chronic trauma and can have lifelong devastating effects. We know that children as well as individuals with disabilities, particularly with limited language skills, subjected to trauma by trusted relatives and friends suffer severe and lasting damage.


This article is a limited introduction to the subject and more general in nature.  It is meant to provide basic information and, hopefully, guidance that might stimulate awareness in learning more as well as gaining an understanding of the extent and impact of trauma.

Trauma occurs when an individual experiences a situation or event where they believe their life or physical welfare or someone close to them is in immediate danger. Reactions to trauma can include the normal flight, fight or freeze responses. These are automatic responses to extreme fear and have evolved to help us respond quickly.  Our brains become overloaded and cannot process the information, particularly if it is horrifying and we are unable to manage or change the situation. We can’t protect ourselves or someone else from real or perceived danger.


Here’s a quick true/false question.  “Everyone experiences
trauma in a crisis?”


Do you believe this statement is true? False?
Either or both is the correct answer.  People respond differently depending on a number of factors, including, but not limited to, their temperament, history, medical or emotional situation.  While most people might experience immediate stress as a normal response to a threatening event and return to normal, some go on to develop PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).   Symptoms of PTSD are:  1) Intrusive memories (of the event); 2) Recurrent, distressing dreams related to the experience; 3) Flashbacks (feeling as if the event is happening again); 4) Exposure distress  when around people, places or objects that remind you of the event; 5) Physiological reactions when around people, places or objects that remind you of the event. These are some of the symptoms people experience. People may have all, a few or one or two symptoms.  This can occur within a short time after the event or even months or years later.   


Trauma Types Include:
Acute trauma (Type I) results from exposure to a single overwhelming event.
Examples: Rape, death of a loved one, natural disaster
Characteristics: Detailed memories, omens, hyper-vigilance, exaggerated startle response, misperceptions or overreactions


Complex trauma (Type II) results from extended exposure to traumatizing situations.
Examples: Prolonged exposure to violence or bullying, profound neglect, series of home removals
Characteristics: Denial and psychological numbing, dissociation, rage, social withdrawal, sense of foreshortened future


Crossover trauma (Type III) results from a single traumatic event that is devastating enough to have long-lasting effects.
Examples: Mass casualty school shooting, car accident with fatalities involved, refugee dislocation
Characteristics: Perpetual mourning or depression, chronic pain, concentration problems, sleep disturbances, irritability

People who work as first responders, doctors, nurses, counselors, and in some cases teachers or others can also be affected by traumatic events. Even though they are trained and prepared to respond, they can and often are impacted.
Caregivers might not experience direct trauma but can be affected by secondary trauma. This can occur immediately upon hearing about the traumatic event from someone else or later.  Processing and support along with adequate self-care can help.  If not managed, caregivers might begin to develop compassion fatigue. This doesn’t happen immediately but occurs over time. Once recognized, it is critical to take time for self-care and to talk with someone to help process and build up personal wellness. If the signs and symptoms aren’t recognized or managed, burnout can result which may force the person to do their own personal work in order to recover. Unfortunately, often symptoms are ignored or recognized too late and the individual leaves their profession.  Recognizing signs that you are growing fatigued and responding is important.  We often push ourselves even though we encourage others to pay attention and practice self-care.
If you notice the following, you might want to check with someone who cares about you and is willing to provide honest and helpful feedback:

• Isolating from others (particularly if you are normally an outgoing person)
• Excessively critical or blaming
• Overspending, overeating, gambling, sexual addictions (other compulsive behavior)
• Sad and/or anxious, unable to find pleasure in activities that you previously enjoyed
• Trouble concentrating or focusing
• Feeling tired (mentally and physically) lethargic
• Trouble sleeping
• Nightmares or frequent thoughts about the traumas
• Frequent physical problems
• Making excuses for any of the above

Obviously recognizing and managing secondary trauma is much easier than compassion fatigue or burnout.  In my last blog I provided some examples of ways to practice self-care.  Regularly taking time for self-care can help reduce our vulnerability to traumatic events. As with most things, prevention is generally a better option than treatment. If we practice self-care preventively, even if we do experience secondary trauma, we are more likely to recognize it and take steps toward healing.


If you are a caregiver (which really is most of us at some time in our lives!) and would like to further evaluate your potential for trauma, you might want to take the Professional Quality of Life Scale (ProQOL) by going to their website:  http://proqol.org/. The test is free and can be copied as long as the author is credited and no changes are made. I’m also attaching a copy so if the link doesn’t work, you can download it.  It has a self-scoring guide at the end.  If you score as at risk and/or are experiencing any of the signs listed above, you might want to use some of the self-care techniques I listed in my previous blog or use the self-care meditation attached to the blog.  I’m adding it here again as it is one I frequently use as a part of my own self-care practice.


Talking to a friend, family member or spiritual advisor can be helpful. Often trauma does resolve over time - if we acknowledge it occurred and affected us. It is human nature to want to push it away or even try to pretend it didn’t happen or didn’t affect us.  In the short-term, this might be an adaptive, helpful strategy to allow ourselves time to address our distress.  However, if left unattended and unaddressed for too long, it will likely creep into our consciousness and cause problems in our lives, including with family, friends, school or work.  If self-care doesn’t seem to resolve the symptoms or they get worse, consider finding a counselor or therapist to help you process and begin healing.  You might consider asking about Prolonged Exposure Therapy, EMDR, or Cognitive Processing Therapy.  You may have an EAP at work who can help with short-term supportive counseling.  You can also call us here at Elephant Rock Counseling, as all our counselors have training that can help you work through trauma.  

San Mueller, M.Ed., LPC, DBT
Elephant Rock Counseling 
​Kirkwood, MO

San is a Licensed Professional Counselor with Elephant Rock Counseling, LLC.  San specializes in therapies that utilize mindfulness based principles such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  She enjoys teaching yoga, spending time with her family, and working with her clients.  

I've worked with numerous clients over the past decade who struggled to the point of questioning if life was worth living.  Over the years, my colleague San Mueller & I have developed a passion for working with clients who courageously keep going on until they can find ways to make life meaningful and worth living again.   In this blog I will be talking about a few statistics related to suicide, and discuss a few disorders and subsequent treatments that can help manage suicidal thoughts and behaviors.  

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.  It’s highest when individuals reach middle age, and those most at risk usually work in occupations with a lot of isolation and unstable employment prospects.  Women attempt suicide 2 times more than men, though men are 3-4 times more likely to commit suicide due partly to their preference for more lethal means such as a gun.


Regardless of gender or occupation, completed suicides are too common with all demographics.  As expected, suicidal thoughts can be highly alarming to family members and of serious concern to individuals when the thoughts begin to present in ways the person senses may not be normal.  It can be normal to have the occasional suicidal thought.  Research shows just about everyone has experienced them during their life.  Some thoughts could be classified as normal but are also potential red flags.  For instance, during a period of high stress someone might think, “I wish I would have never woken up,” or “I think I’d be okay if I got into a car accident today and that was the end.”  However, if these thoughts continue to happen for several days, you start losing interest in activities you once enjoyed, it’s becoming a habit where you don’t get up and do the things you were dreading, the thoughts are getting more serious and less normal.  If you start researching how you might commit suicide, planning where you might run off the road, have a plan with some intention, your suicidal thoughts have become a lot more serious and dangerous.  If you are concerned about your thoughts, hopefully you will reach out to a local therapist, call the National Suicide Hotline (800)-273-8255, or the local Behavioral Health Response (BHR) Crisis Hotline (314) 469-6644.


Two of the more common diagnosis I regularly work with that often accompany serious suicidal thoughts are Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). 


In my opinion, BPD is a poor label for a set of symptoms that many people struggle with.  Problems with Emotion Regulation is a much better way to describe this struggle.  It’s usually estimated to affect 5-6% of the population but due to under diagnosis in males, it very likely could be closer to 10% according to other research.  So a lot of people are struggling with this, and it usually starts to show itself in early adulthood.  The symptoms that are usually present create problems with living and feeling like you don’t have a life worth living.  These symptoms are extreme black and white thinking, idealizing people and then devaluing them when something goes wrong, so relationships are often very intense.  It's generally been accepted they are genetically more emotional people, and when the environment punishes or invalidates this emotion they learn to hide and suppress these emotions causing them to build up. Eventually this leads to even more emotion regulation problems than was originally present as the "build up" becomes "blow up."  This sets up a never ending negative feedback loop of intense relationships, broken relationships, fears of abandonment, unstable sense of self, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate intense anger, suicidal thoughts, and impulsivity with alcohol, drugs, or self-harm to cope with the problems in living.   


Treatment for BPD has been researched heavily and consistently shown to be most effective with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  DBT is a comprehensive program of weekly individual DBT counseling, weekly DBT skills group, coaching calls throughout the week, and a team of DBT therapists meeting each week to consult on the best ways to help the client.  The program has been described as a course in teaching someone extensive life skills, how to better live your life, versus a suicide prevention program.  However, after going through the program, reduced or eliminated suicidal thoughts is a common outcome.  The program teaches mindfulness skills, distress tolerance skills, emotion regulation skills, and interpersonal effectiveness skills. 

​Mindfulness skills teach them how to internalize a non-judgmental observer before making decisions, and have a healthier more accurate view of one's emotions and thoughts.  Distress tolerance skills are focused on impulse control, healthy ways one can distract to survive a crisis, accept situations, before doing something that can tear down all the progress in an instant.  Emotion regulation skills work to increase less mood dependent behaviors, improve wellness lifestyles, create a sense of mastery & competence along with how to build some positive emotions.  Interpersonal effectiveness skills work to achieve how to be taken more seriously in effective ways without damaging relationships or self-respect, learning to validate yourself and others.


Medications can be a part of treating BPD, other disorders existing along side BPD such as depression or anxiety can be common.  However, related to just BPD, medication has shown to be much less effective than DBT, as learning new life skills to manage our problems in living is not something a medication can do.


Like BPD, Depression is extremely common and often accompanies suicidal thoughts, sometimes considered the common cold of mental health.  It’s estimated to have an impact on about 7% of the population each year.  Unlike BPD, medication is very effective with depression, and the best treatment is a combination of talk therapy and anti-depressants.


Behavioral Activation is a treatment that has been shown to be very effective with reducing suicidal behaviors and depression.  Monitoring behavior and building in activities that break a downward spiral of depression is the basis for treatment.  Working together, the therapist and client try to create an upward spiral to break the depression.  One of the most powerful symptoms of depression is lack of motivation to do anything, everything feels “extremely heavy.”  Therefore, many times depressed individuals don’t do anything when they start becoming depressed.  They report feeling like bricks are attached to their feet and shoulders. This usually leads to more depression as they become more idle because the depression thrives when you shut down, it’s the fertile ground depression needs to continue growing.  As it grows, the depression now feels even heavier.  If they didn't "feel" like doing anything before, they definitely don't "feel" like doing anything now.  I’m sure you can now see clearly what is meant by a downward spiral.  It’s the therapists task to use motivational strategies and education to help create a little space where the individual can start monitoring activity and mood, building in more helpful activities to stabilize the depression and start working towards an upward spiral.   


Many people underestimate how powerful activity monitoring can be.  When I was in graduate school I had to monitor activities for a week and attach the corresponding mood with those activities.  I was astonished at the results and paradoxically I was aware all along of what the monitoring revealed to me.  I had been participating in numerous activities that didn’t provide a lot of joy, and I had been using little of my time to participate in activities that elicited joy.  I sense that individuals know this on some level, but it can be too subtle to break negative patterns and habits.  However, when seeing it on paper in black and white, sometimes it can have the power to change our behaviors for the better.  I made changes that week that have lasted for over 15 years.


Mindfulness skills discussed earlier can also help with depression.  Utilizing cognitive therapy, mindfulness practice can enhance our ability to notice our judgments and self critical thoughts.  Ideally we learn to catch ourself when our thoughts and emotions start to be accepted as facts versus information that should be used for further examination.  This can also be described as stepping back and building in a pause where we can insert a more accurate and helpful framework.   Emotions and thoughts fire so quickly that it can be hard to step back.  Practicing mindfulness regularly can slow down the process just enough to begin allowing a different process to unfold, like challenging unhealthy or distorted thoughts.  


I hope you gained something from this short discussion on Depression, Emotion Regulation Issues, and treatments that can help reduce suicidal thoughts.  We always welcome comments and invite anyone to reach out for further information or questions.


Best Regards,
​
Chad Randall, M.Ed., LPC, CCDP-D
​Elephant Rock Counseling, LLC
Kirkwood, MO

HOLIDAY MUSINGS, REFLECTIONS AND GOALS


No matter your religious, spiritual or philosophical background, we can’t help but be impacted by the season.  The question is how we are impacted.  What does this holiday mean for you?  Do you look forward to the holidays?  Time with family and friends?  Is gift giving something you enjoy or is it something you would prefer to avoid?  For many of us there’s a middle  ground if we take time to consider what it is we are celebrating and make our own choices as how best to honor our personal beliefs.


For Christians, and this is the dominant focus in the US, the celebration Christmas (Christ’s Mass) is the birth of Jesus Christ.  Gifts are symbolic of the gifts brought by the wise men in the Christmas story.  One does wonder how we have come to a place that we believe we must shower our children with presents to the extent of going into debt for some.


For Jews, the seasonal celebration is Hanukkah commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple of Jerulsalem. It is also known as the Festival of Lights and Feast of Dedication observed for eight nights and days. The events that inspired the Hanukkah holiday took place during a particularly turbulent phase of Jewish history around 200 B.C., Judea.  Many of my Jewish friends tell me children receive a gift on each of the 8 nights of Hanukkah.


Kwanzaa is a week-long celebration held in the United States and in other nations of the West African diaspora in the Americas. The celebration honors African heritage in African-American culture, and is observed from December 26 to January 1, culminating in a feast and gift-giving.  Kwanzaa has seven core principles (Nguzo Saba). It was created by Maulana Karenga and was first celebrated in 1966–67.


Other cultures have celebrated in different ways and while these practices have risen and fallen over time, religious or not, this is also the acknowledgment of Winter Solstice or hibernal solstice also known as Yule or midwinter.  It’s the shortest period of daylight and longest night of the year in the Norther Hemisphere.  Since ancient times people gathered to await the returning light with the promise of spring.  I’ve also found winter solstice a magical time as the following day the light begins to grow until mid-summer.  It’s somehow hopeful getting through cold, dark days knowing the light is growing.


If you are someone who relishes the season and doesn’t struggle excessively with the pressure and stress of shopping, wrapping, and decorating you can probably skip this section.  You’ve figured out how to make it work for you.  You might even consider adding some comments to this blog for those who are less able to manage the holiday season.  For those who find the holidays stressful I have a few suggestions:


1) Remind yourself what the holiday means to you.  What it really means.  Are you doing what you want to do or what you think you should do?
2) Make a list of the things that are stressing you out and decide if there are any you can eliminate.
3) As far as gift buying – see 1 and 2 above.  Decide the meaning and relevance.
4) If money is tight and you are purchasing gifts for your kids – consider buying 1 thing they want, 1 thing to wear, and 1 book for each child.
5) Consider homemade gifts:  bath salts, body scrub, cookies or candy for colleagues and friends.
6) Purchase gifts for charities as memorials.  These are gifts with thought, intention and whether purchased or made with love can be the most meaningful and memorable.
7) Monitor your stress level and give yourself the gift of renewal.


Make sure you are getting adequate sleep, exercise, eating healthy and taking care of physical and emotional health.  In our skills groups we teach people to balance “Priorities” and “Demands” & "Wants" and "Needs."  Priorities are important to you and Demands are things others demand of you.  Wants are things that you want to do and Needs are things that you need to do. 


When we enter the time of longer nights and shorter days, especially those of us in the colder climates, we may find ourselves wanting to slow down, called by the season to spend time inside, sleeping more with less energy.  We are called to hibernate, go within.  Some people are adversely affected and may experience Seasonsal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I sometimes wonder if this might be a reaction to our attempts to fight the call of the season.  If you find yourself exhibiting more serious symptoms lasting longer than a few days, you might want to consider talking with a counselor.


For many years, I have taken time at the end of the year, sometimes on New Year’s Day, to reflect on the year gone by, looking at accomplishments and goals met, as well as unmet and what I’ve learned.  I’ve done this for at least the last 15 years. I keep a journal and review it at the end of the next year.  While I don’t necessarily make New Year’s resolutions, I do make a list of goals. I list them in the following categories:


1) Spiritual
2) Emotional
3) Physical
4) Financial
5) Professional.


As I review the past year (and previous years), I recognize accomplishment and goals, achieved and progress made, or change them if that seems relevant .  I consider what I’ve learned in my reflections, and its helped me be more aware of things I need to release as well as where I need to push myself in order to keep growing and moving forward or where to step back.


I offer these musings and if you find them helpful, feel free to use, adapt or create your own.  We truly would love to hear what works for you.  If they aren’t helpful, just toss them to the wind.


I’ll end with a Rumi quote, one of my favorites:  “There is a field. Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.”


Bright and Beautiful Blessings of the Winter Season
San Mueller, M.Ed. LPC, DBT

​
San is a Licensed Professional Counselor with Elephant Rock Counseling, LLC.  San specializes in therapies that utilize mindfulness based principles such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  She enjoys teaching yoga, spending time with her family, and working with her clients.  
​

I have found few things more common in my practice than avoidance.  It’s normal to avoid pain and denial can be very tempting, thinking if I turn away from what is happening, what I’m feeling, things will improve.  Unfortunately, often things just keep getting worse with this approach bringing us the literal or wakeful nightmares we tried so hard to sidestep.  I can think of only a few times in my life when denial worked out, such as when I drove around with a cracked windshield pretending I wouldn’t have to fix it.  Amazingly, denial worked out in this scenario.  Upon finishing a round of golf, I returned to my car finding the windshield in my front seat compliments to another golfers wayward drive - “FORE!”  His insurance picked up the tab and I had a new windshield.  If only life worked out like this more often, but it doesn’t.    


I learned a powerful lesson related to avoidance while studying at Indiana University.  Over the course of a few years, I continued having a recurrent nightmare that was truly terrifying for me at that time in my life.  It was a lucid dream so I knew that I was dreaming, had a little sense of control over what was happening, nothing is out of place or distorted in the room, making it all the more real.  A dark shadowy shimmering figure would descend from the ceiling, slowly making its way down toward me, and the room was filled with deafening sounds like standing next to a freight train as it passed in the night.  I interpreted the figure “judgmentally” as something evil which was likely an important element of what made the nightmare so terrifying.  Each time I had this dream I would frantically attempt to wake myself, sometimes flipping on my side to only realize I was still deep in the dream.  Turning myself from side to side until I woke from the dream with my heart pounding, mind racing, and flooded with intense fear.  This repeated so many times I began dreading going to sleep on some nights, worried I would have the nightmare.


The breakthrough for me came when out of desperation to try something different, I decided I wasn’t going to wake myself the next time it happened.  I told myself, “Chad, I’m just going to lay there, look the shadow in the eye and ask “it” what it wants.”  I don’t remember having the courage to follow through with asking “it” what it wants, but I do remember laying there making no effort to wake myself as the shadow figure descended on me and began to enter my body for the first time.  I had never let it get that close previously.  The fear reached a 10/10, the sound had never been louder, and then “POOF,” in an instance it was the first time I just woke up naturally from the dream, with a sense of calm.


I never had the dream again.


From my own life experiences, training - what I have learned about psychology and mental health, my dream experience makes a lot of sense to me now.  There is a large body of research related to trauma and anxiety, and we now know that avoidance is what differentiates someone who quickly works through trauma over a few weeks or months and those who continue to have symptoms and flashbacks for several years in some cases.  Those with ongoing symptoms usually have complex avoidance strategies.  In a similar way - I have little doubt that if I had continued to frantically make efforts to wake myself, I would still be having that nightmare today, over 20 years later.


The fear complex needs "resistance" for oxygen, when provided no resistance, the dream amplified sensations to encourage avoidance by pushing it away, but when staying the course and “just noticing,” the dream provided a final burst of intense fear that proved to be its extinction - similar to what we would call an extinction burst in behavioral psychology with a parent ignoring a child throwing a most fantastic temper tantrum that just gets more and more embarrassing until the child finally realizes there will be NO reaction, no matter how hard it might be for the parent to do so.   


A wonderful metaphor related to this topic, “It’s always darkest right before dawn.”


There are exposure therapies such as Prolonged Exposure Therapy & EMDR that treat trauma symptoms with very much the same idea.  You tell your traumatic story so many times that eventually you become “bored” with it.  It’s very hard for individuals to do this in the beginning, because the sensations, thoughts, and emotions are so intense.  However, if they trust the process, accept a little encouragement from their therapist to keep going - staying the course, there is a calm that develops as the trauma loses its energy, and as stated previously, there is a shift from terror to boredom developing as one tells the same story over and over.    


I have had many clients in my office desperately trying to stop what the diagnostic community has labeled panic attacks.  The part no one ever wants to initially hear is what has already been implied, stop avoiding it.  Sitting with clients, it can be helpful to validate how difficult it must be while also explaining how avoidance and fear work together, and encourage clients to work towards not pushing away whatever is there, even though it’s going to be very hard.  Clients who are willing to participate almost always return reporting the anxiety was reduced, and feeling grateful they went into a feeling of darkness despite being deeply uncomfortable.  I have also observed acceptance prayers to be helpful in this area, not asking for the experience to stop which would be another form of avoidance, but asking for the strength to cope with the hardship.


We also know that panic attacks have never killed anyone, and are not dangerous by themselves.  However, it should be noted it’s not recommended for someone experiencing active suicidal thoughts to engage in exposure when working with trauma.  Trauma history and panic attacks are commonly experienced together.  Learning distress tolerance skills can be helpful until the appropriate time to engage in exposure work.


Coming back to avoidance, mindfulness principles that we have discussed in previous blogs work very much the same way.  Often we don’t want to be mindful, we don’t want to sit with our anger, jealousy, sadness, fear, or tension.  However, whatever we can’t accept and be fully present with remains magnetically drawn toward us until we are ready to give our attention.  When we actively process with a therapist or friend, acknowledge, accept, and stay present with whatever is there we can often go beyond it.


In closing, shifting our focus from avoidance to curiosity allows energy to be freed up for other uses.  Our literal or wakeful nightmares can become interesting, they can be guides, sources of information, feedback, and wisdom to help us move beyond obstacles.  When I look back on my Nightmare I believe it was trying to help me.  I had become overly avoidant at that time in my life, and the dream was likely mirroring that lesson for me over and over until I found an effective way to navigate a life obstacle that was very much like other life obstacles in my outer life.  I am grateful to my psyche for that dream - I remember that being one of the many turning points in my life that was helpful in getting me on a better track.


I hope you enjoyed this short blog related to Anxiety, Avoidance, and Nightmares.  Please comment with your own wisdom, struggles, and victory’s in these areas.  Shame and fear thrive in shadows of secret - mindful curiosity, acknowledgment, and a non-judgmental stance can bring peace and free up a lot of productive energy.

Chad Randall, M.Ed. LPC, CCDP-D
Elephant Rock Counseling
​Kirkwood, MO

In our modern world, many, most or maybe even all of us, spend the majority of our time either “doing something” or “thinking about what we have to do next.” We consider time for self-compassion and self-care a luxury and don’t engage in it unless we can “find the time.” We live under the shadow of the “Puritan Work Ethic” that hovers over us like an overlord chastising us for taking time off for fun instead of doing something productive.  The “shoulds” are always in the back of our minds. Indeed, this is our normal operating system.  Whatever time we aren’t doing or planning the next task, we are likely judging ourselves for what we haven’t yet done.


There are significant rewards for our diligence.  If there weren’t we wouldn’t continue. We are hard workers. We have accomplished a tremendous amount. We are basically good people. We are about others. We volunteer, donate to causes and are active in our communities, our schools, churches, synagogues, mosques and our children’s extra-curricular activities. All of these are important and help to build and maintain neighborhoods and communities.


Yet there are downsides to our extremely busy active lives – if we don’t find balance. What are some of the downsides of a life that is heavy on the doing side? Some symptoms that you might be doing too much are:  low energy, loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed, more susceptible to sickness and injury, feeling overwhelmed, difficulty concentrating, excessive blaming, bottled up emotions, isolating,  substance misuse are a few. If not attended "compassion fatigue" can lead to eventual burnout.  These can also be symptoms of depression or can lead to even more serious problems.


The word compassion is defined as: “1) a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune,  2) accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate suffering.”


While the official definition of compassion is “sorrow for another and a desire to alleviate suffering (for another),” self-compassion is often seen as feeling sorry for ourselves and to be avoided.  However, if we allow ourselves to engage in and take time for self-care, we might avoid the need for suffering or at least to mitigate it.  What are the myths you believe, either consciously or sub-consciously, that prevent you for self-care and block your ability for self-compassion? What would change if you not only permitted but actively practiced self-care in your daily life?  How can we become more resilient to the challenges and opportunities, avoid burn-out and experience more joy in our lives?


It’s not all doom and gloom!  We can make the choice to notice and make changes. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of creating space to recharge our energy and rejuvenate ourselves.  There are a number of tools available to help us assess if what we are doing matches what we want to be doing and how it fits what is truly important to us.  Once we figure that out, we can begin to adjust the What Is with What We Want/Need to build in resilience and balance.  I like to use a simple Balance Wheel to begin to explore how we are structuring our lives.  (See attached)


In our last blog, Chad talked about the values of mindfulness. One easy and effective way to begin to build in self-care and increase resilience is to be more conscious of what’s going on both internally and externally. You might begin by noticing your thoughts, sensations in the body, your emotions, what’s going on around you. You can focus on your breath and simply allow the moment.  Notice colors, listen to sounds, become more aware of smells, if your mouth feels dry, take a sip of water and notice the sensations as you swallow and do it without judging.  See if you can give yourself permission to enjoy – just this one moment.  I have attached a short guided mindfulness if you would like to try something like this.  (See below)



Morning, Noon & Night Mindfulness Awareness:
Consider taking time in the morning when you first get up to breath, settle into your body and consider the day taking time to observe, separating yourself from the doing.  Sometime mid-day, stop, breath and notice what you are thinking, what’s going on around you paying attention. At the  end of the day before you go to sleep, settle in your bed, feel the sheets, take a full breath and let it go, allowing your body to relax as you release your breath. Gently begin to recall the events of the day, again as a watchful observer, letting go of judgements about good or bad, right or wrong. You might even find yourself feeling some gratitude for what went well and acknowledging what you learned. Avoid a tendency to delve in deeply or start planning for tomorrow.  Imagine just allowing the day to go and simply be present with your body and mind, giving yourself permission to rest and renew.


Build on success and learn from failure. It’s about balance.


If these steps aren’t helping and symptoms increase, problems with relationships, excessive use of substances, internet addiction, poor self-care (hygiene, appearance), depression, insomnia (chronic), apathy, consider talking with your doctor or seeing a counselor.  Feel free to give us a call at Elephant Rock.  Catching problems when they are small can keep them from becoming overwhelming.

If you have already browsed our site you might have noticed Elephant Rock Counseling emphasizes the importance of mindfulness.  It has been through our own experiences and significant research studies, we can say with confidence that regular mindfulness has significant physical and emotional health benefits.  And more people are practicing mindfulness than ever which is encouraging. 


However, we are in interesting times as one doesn’t need a research study to confirm people have also never been more mindless when observing groups of individuals staring at their phones in numerous settings - the couple on a date, families at dinner time, and a group of friends at the game.  It's become the status quo.  Some people it seems get together to look at their phones, like one would get together with others to play softball or tennis, "phoning" maybe it could be called.  “Hey, do you want to meet me downtown at the festival, we can phone.”  It sounds strange to say that, but isn’t that what happens all too often.  We are spending our planned time together posting pictures to Facebook and Instagram, interacting more with people in cyberspace than the person next to us.  I know it’s cliché but this all reminds me of individuals who spend their entire vacation getting the perfect pictures to show everyone back home, but upon arriving home, some of us realize we never really took a vacation.  It’s great getting those amazing pictures, but was it worth it? 


The smartphone has deeply affected our culture and it’s becoming hard to find anyone, including the grandparent generation, that hasn’t become part of this shift in how we interact and spend our time.  The smartphone is sleek and stylish looking, it’s helpful and useful, it’s a new thing being able to communicate with all your friends and family who aren’t present – and that’s definitely fun, so it makes sense that it stirs a certain excitement alluring everyone to join the party. 


Of course I have one, I love my phone.  And I have to admit I'm somewhat addicted to my phone. And that is the dark side to these wonderful devices. Technology companies understand psychology better than our best psychologists and counselors and they have utilized reinforcement principles flawlessly, urging us to look at our phones over and over receiving regular hits of dopamine to our brain.  Unfortunately, the research is indicating this is making all of us more anxious and feeling a sense of being unfulfilled as we keep looking at our phones to make us feel better. 


And getting back to mindfulness, how much of our life are we willing to miss?   When I think of time I spent on my phone as my daughter was growing up, especially when she was a young toddler, I wish I had spent less time on my phone and more time being present with her, mostly because it can be so rewarding when we are present.  Last fall my wife, daughter, and I took a camping trip with several other families and there was no internet service available.  Everyone had a fabulous time and it didn’t go unnoticed by several of us that without devices to distract us there was something meaningfully different, and we all liked it.  My daughter indicated she couldn’t remember having so much fun, of course none of the kids were on their devices either, so they had to play old fashion games into the night. 


Have you ever really slowed down to notice every flavor and aroma present in your dessert or entree?  Occasionally we practice this in our therapy groups, and most people report finding more joy and satisfaction when eating mindfully.  


Most things in life are more satisfying when we slow down and fully participate.  So how do we balance being present in our life with having these wonderful, useful, fun devices that can take over our life with some negative side effects if we aren’t using them mindfully.  Here are a few suggestions:  

• Try and use your phone one-mindfully – don’t use the phone while you’re watching a TV show, having a conversation with friends, during class, or during a meeting.  If you’re going to use your phone, only be using your phone, and use the phone mindfully to accomplish whatever communication - tasks needs to be done, or what information you are looking for. 

 

• Be mindful of how you feel when using your phone, if you are feeling more and more compelled that you can’t take a break from your phone, feeling anxious, ask yourself if you’re willing to take a break from the phone and consider how this might be relaxing for you to take a break.  If you’re not willing, consider asking yourself how you might be more willing to take a break. 

 

• If it feels uncomfortable to take a break from your phone, consider reminding yourself that mindfulness is about just noticing what is there, even when it’s uncomfortable, and in doing so often we can let go of the discomfort and go beyond the uncomfortable feeling holding us hostage by fully acknowledging the feeling. 

 

• If you have a lot of willingness – set time limits with your phone such as during the evening, only 20 minutes to an hour, especially if your usage is mostly recreational. 

 

• Consider having a day where the entire family takes a break from electronics. 

I hope this blog brings a little awareness into how your smartphone fits into your life, and I wish you the best in finding a healthy balance between your electronic life and being present with those most important people and activities in your life.  

Please post comments, your own struggles and effective strategies in finding a healthy balance in this area.  
​

Chad Randall, M.Ed., LPC, CCDP-D
Elephant Rock Counseling
Kirkwood, MO