Maintaining Hope Through Uncertainty

HOPE MEANS LIVING WITH UNCERTAINTY


Wikipedia defines hope as: “Hope is an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. As a verb, its definitions include: "expect with confidence" and "to cherish a desire with anticipation". Among its opposites are dejection, hopelessness and despair.”


And uncertainty as:  “Uncertainty has been called "an unintelligible expression without a straightforward description". It describes a situation involving ambiguous and/or unknown information.”


As I often do, on the Sunday morning before Christmas I listened to an On Being podcast.  Krista Tippet was interviewing Rebecca Solnit (author, writer and activist).   Ms. Solnit said something that stuck with me. She said “We (frequently) know what we do and even why we do it but we don’t know what we do does.”  This struck me as so very profound and true.


As counselors, we try to help people identify where they are and where they want to go. Then we work with them to develop a plan as to how to get there.  Most therapists have a particular therapeutic philosophy and set of techniques and strategies that they have found to be successful. What I’ve found is that often people don’t know where they want to go. It’s usually easier for them to recognize where they are (not always even that) but knowing where they want to go is much more  difficult. Many times, people feel so beaten down and hopeless that they can’t see any way out of their current situation.


Quite frequently our job as therapists is to instill a sense of “hope” that there is a way out and beyond.  Hope doesn’t always mean a perfect solution, or that things will turn out the way we want (hope).  It does mean believing that things can and will change and we can increase the odds that things will be better. They do change, of course, and we have a choice of co-creating that change or allowing ourselves to be swept away giving in to doom and disaster.  That in itself is a choice which takes us back to knowing and accepting where we are.


As a therapist trained in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), I focus on behavioral change.  Balancing acceptance and change are basic to DBT. Recognizing that a situation is painful and that making a change may also be painful but is the only way to gain a sense of control and potentially shift both perspective and possibilities.  I was at a retreat in the late fall. A friend reminded me of a term I had forgotten and I have since included it into my way of thinking. The term was “adjacent possibilities” which loosely means options and opportunities that can arise out of two seemingly opposing positions, between a rock and a hard place to use an outworn phrase. It’s opening to the mystery and taking a chance that believing in an unknown something can create an opportunity for something better.
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In the past, I had a more cynical view of hope. It often seemed a cruel master as people would hope for something better but expect (and receive) something worse. That view has shifted for me. A more optimistic and realistic view of hope is to recognize that it’s unknown, that sometimes things do improve and sometimes they don’t.  Yet my job, my purpose and my lifework is to try and help people. That is the what and the why of it.  I frequently don’t know the outcome of what I do or how I try to help guide those who come to see me.  If I can’t know the outcome, does that mean I should stop trying?  For me hope means taking a risk that things will change for the better. When people make a change even taking that step is an act of courage toward creating a happier more fulfilling life. An outcome may not be what we hoped for or expected but it can be a valuable teacher. Often it means accepting that life will continue to be difficult at times, that there is sadness but  also joy.  The joy may be in knowing we can develop the strength to accept the difficulties and open to the whatever comes to us.  Hope is uncertain and life is uncertain. Being human gives us the potential to live and learn through the uncertainty and consequently to love ourselves enough to open to the fullness of life.  St. Thomas Acquinas wrote “Injustice is the worst sin but despair is the most dangerous … to not (be able) to love or care for self other.  That, I believe is hopelessness or the opposite of hope.


We teach clients to learn to accept or at least tolerate uncertainty, if we can’t solve the problem or do something to change it.  Acceptance doesn’t mean approval.  We want to know what will happen but in the waiting, in the “not knowing” there can be space and an opportunity to learn and grow.  We can learn to sit with the unknown, to breathe into it and find our own center, an inner calm in the midst of the storm.  The storm is often our busy, anxious, worrying mind, our belief we have to know. So how does hope fit in with all this waiting an uncertainty? It’s trusting ourselves and our process, that whatever the outcome, we will either get what we want, or we won’t and either way, we will be all right.  We can chose to accept the learning no matter the outcome.


I haven’t always been able to live with and accept uncertainty in my life. At times, I still fall prey to worry and the belief that I have to know the outcome before acting.  There are nights I wake up early with a concern and an urge to “figure it out”.  But I catch myself more frequently than in the past. I take a mental step back and settle myself, calming my breathing. I notice my thoughts and emotions.  I review the situation, checking the facts to see if I’ve done everything I can or if not, make a plan. I check my motive then remind myself that whatever happens I’ve likely been through worse and survived.  I don’t pretend it will all be pleasant but also recall that life typically has ups and downs, ebbs and flows. Normally this works for me although at times, I have to go through it again if it’s a particularly sticky problem.  So the hope is that I won’t always know what I’m doing will do but I do it anyway because it’s the best choice I can make.  The only other option is to freeze and not do anything. Change still occurs but rather than riding the tide, we typically get swept away with the undercurrent. Riding the wave of uncertainty and hope seems a better option.


I love Rumi. I think because Rumi holds for me a sense of finding ease and comfort during uncertainty and even painful situations. A knowing reminder that if I pay attention (softly) and let go the reins of control (without a huge struggle) that I will come out on the other side, find peace, wisdom and strength.  So I’m ending with a Rumi quote:
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​San Mueller, M.Ed., LPC, DBT
Elephant Rock Counseling 
​Kirkwood, MO

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San is a Licensed Professional Counselor with Elephant Rock Counseling, LLC.  San specializes in therapies that utilize mindfulness based principles such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  She enjoys teaching yoga, spending time with her family, and working with her clients.  ​